Unexpected Blessings
The biggest gift of cancer has been the ability to give myself permission to rest as needed.
This last week has been busy with appointments and meetings. My oncologist left the VA, so I have been referred to a new oncologist in the community. I’ve had my mental health appointment. And I’ve been to my cancer support group.
In the middle of all of this, the bus I live in started acting up with the check engine light coming on and the onboard emissions computer telling me that the diesel exhaust fluid tank was empty even though it is clearly full.
No money until payday at the end of the month and stress mounting despite everything …
But it’s going to be okay. In the hidden blessings from metastatic breast cancer, I have learned to give myself grace and rest as needed.
I like to be in control of my life, my health, and my circumstances. But cancer forced me to step back and assess my life. I’ve had to learn how to just give my problems to the universe and use the DBT skill of radical acceptance to acknowledge that I can’t solve everything immediately.
And for that I am grateful. I have learned to give myself permission to not be okay, to rest as needed, to take a moment and a deep breath to think about my response before rushing wildly off in a reactive state of mind trying to come up with something, anything, that will work.
It turns out my new oncologist is at the top of her field. While I will miss the familiarity of working with my old one, my new doctor has impressed me with her knowledge and competence.
My mental health appointments are helping despite my dread of dealing with my PTSD. I’m in a unique situation where I can spend time healing my psyche, which I didn’t have during my working years – only broken coping mechanisms to endure that one more necessary day.
And the bus, well…
I took a moment to do some research and found out that I didn’t have to panic. The problem can be fixed at the maintenance appointment I already have scheduled on payday. I can’t drive anywhere else this week, but I’m in a safe place with adequate supplies.
I don’t have the energy to deal with everything all at once, but I don’t have to. And that is a blessing.
MercyJ Writes 