Fatigue. It’s not something I’m used to yet, but it’s become a part of my life. It’s different from exhaustion. It’s even more different than burnout.
One of my medications, palbociclib, destroys rapidly dividing cells. All cells, not just the cancerous ones. My body is in an endless energy deficit between the cancer trying to take over and just trying to make new cells to replace the natural ones that end up as unintended casualties.
The gist is that I have no reserves of energy because my body is using it all just to survive.
It’s not something I expected to deal with. Unlike exhaustion and burnout, there is no pushing through it to get to the other side. I still try. It’s my habit to keep doing things until I either, can’t, or have a day off.
There are no days off from cancer.
I share this here to remind myself that I am doing my best in difficult circumstances. I share this in hopes that someone who may be going through this will feel less alone about their own experience.
I do what I can to stay active. While running is off the table, I walk regularly. I stretch to keep my range of motion. I do some form of light exercise daily to keep moving. And I rest as needed so my body can make new cells.
Fortunately, I don’t have to try to manage full time employment with stage 4 cancer. Between fatigue, immune suppression, and daily moderate pain – traditional employment is out of the question.
But, I can write. I write in bed. I write at my desk. I write standing up when it hurts to sit down.
I write on my phone, in my notebooks, and on my laptop. I write in chunks between doing chores. I write to make sense of it all. I write to find meaning, to entertain, to inspire.
Writing helps. It takes a frustrating situation and makes it bearable. It gives me a useful occupation and goals to work towards. And that gives me something to live for.
MercyJ Writes 